Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
