We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
