i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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