one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
