i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
