based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
