well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I party with great urgency now.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
