My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
