Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
