You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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