it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
