alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
