hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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