He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
