My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
