i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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