Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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