That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
