The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
