i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
