Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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