I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
