On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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