The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
