So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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