Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
