his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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