i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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