your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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