some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
