So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
pray to the hookup gods
I want to fling myself into the sun
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
