Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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