He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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