i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
