I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
me + whiskey = a bad person
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
