In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
