And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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