I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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