What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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