she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
