never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Randomize
