I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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