I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
