he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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