Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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