I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Randomize
