Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
