yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
