i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
