Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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